Struggling to Balance Grace and Truth

As my good friend Alex Kirk has said, I struggle to believe grace and live in the reality of the Father’s love – it just doesn’t come naturally to me. I know it theologically, but I don’t always feel it to be true. Rules and laws make much more sense to me, defined and orderly. Standards are comforting and measurable. Yet I also have known and experienced the freedom that only grace can give.

I think that standards are good. I think that there are right and wrong ways to live in this world. But lately I have struggled to give grace when others don’t match up with my expectations and ideals of what is right and wrong. I feel that the Law response is the first to my heart and lips, and I sense that there is a more gracious way to respond to the world. I have tasted the freedom of living in grace, and right now I’m tasting the bitterness of ungraciousness.

My step-mother told me recently, “You’ve really set the standard for [our family], Marshall.” She meant it as a compliment, an encouragement that I strive to live out the convictions of my soul. But the truth of it is, lately I feel more like a standard to be met than a conduit of life that leads to transformation.

I wrestle and wonder. There are things that are clear in Scripture, things that are right and wrong, and each day people that I know and love run afoul of those. And in many cases I struggle to extend grace, because there is a subtle thought in me that says, “If you extend grace, they will think it’s OK to do wrong.” I imagine that, in my heart of hearts, I apply that standard just as strenuously to my own failings.

This is so sad and frustrating for me, because I have come so far over the years in understanding how deeply I am loved by the Father, and the more deeply I know that in my own heart, the more I know it to be true of others. And as I look at others with transformed eyes, it woos their hearts to obedience, the kindness of the Lord leading to repentance. Lately I’ve been looking with ungracious eyes, splinters and logs.

I’m not saying that grace means we tell everyone that everything that they do is OK. I’m not saying that there is no place for truth. I’m just saying that I believe there is a gracious response of the Holy Spirit that speaks the truth in love. I believe that there is a state of heart that calls people on their sin from a position of love, and there is a state of heart that does it because it’s all about me. See, the problem with sin is not that it’s wrong. The problem with sin is that it is a cheap and destructive counterfeit to the love and life of God, and it breeds more destructiveness and alienation from God and from others. I believe that Jesus dealt with sin because He loved God and He loved people, not because He just wanted people to live the right way. There’s more to life than getting things right.

Ministry to the Poor Can Be Messy

Ministry to the poor is messier than I expected, and because of that reality, I have spent some time in recent weeks really questioning whether I actually had a heart/love for the poor or not, especially the homeless and the addicted. They have felt like a burden to me at times, not a joy. They have felt like a “they” and not a people. Doing what’s right and best is confusing, more so now that I am in a position of authority at my church, having to make decisions on how to use money and resources which are limited when faced with seemingly endless and unlimited need.

How do you make the best decision when the way seems unclear? For example, there has been a group of homeless people sleeping on our church grounds for months and months, and the decision of what to do about this situation has been confusing. On the one hand, it is good that many see our church as a place where they can sleep safely, a place to call home. On the other hand, our church has many more things going on during the week than simply being a place where folks can sleep, and there is no way to monitor or know who is staying on our grounds, what their background is. As a church leader, I have a responsibility for the big picture of our church, but sometimes two halves of the picture don’t line up. On the one hand, wouldn’t Jesus let the homeless people stay on church property (or let them sleep inside the building for that matter)? On the other hand, a few bad apples have stolen some things, peed on the doors, left excrement on the sidewalk, which reflects poorly on the whole bunch. On the other hand, where else do you "do your business" when you are outside? Many who slept at our church would say that Grace is their church home, and when we put up No Trespassing signs, indicating that they are not welcome to stay there anymore, they felt as thought their church were turning on them.

That’s just one example. Then there is the example from this a couple of weeks ago when a person I was meeting with lied straight to my face about their living situation and their substance abuse issues. It’s hard to help someone that you don’t trust, and it’s hard to trust someone that you know is lying to you.

And so it becomes easy to be jaded, to lump every poor or homeless person into categories, or to withhold love because they have lied, but the love of Christ constrains us from doing so.

My desire for those we help is whole-life transformation. Their desire is, often times, survival. I don’t know what it is to have to simply survive. Many of them, I believe, don’t know what it is to be transformed from the inside-out. How to love someone, while not enabling them, while still helping them even when they don’t have it all figured out, while not being overly gullible and taken advantage of, while showing Christ’s love even when you say “no” is a very hard thing. It’s a Spirit thing. I am still learning how to listen.

Jesus loves the rich, too! Part 2

For those who are passionate about serving the poor, it can be easy to hate on the rich. By that I mean it can become easy to build a Christology and a theology that says if Jesus were here on earth today, He would be hanging out at Greensboro Urban Ministry, living under bridges, visiting people in jail, and that’s all He would be doing. You can hear this sentiment when people who are passionate about the poor explain their passion by saying things like, “I just think that if Jesus were here, He wouldn’t be in “X” wealthy neighborhood; He would be hanging out with the poor.”

Ben Folds, in an explanation of his song “Jesusland” says, “If Jesus were around now, He wouldn’t have much stuff and that’s a problem in today’s amusement park version of Jesusland. You can’t walk around with no stuff or you’re homeless. So He’d be walking around homeless or on the street with long hair, and I don’t think that the people who make lots of money off His name would do much to help Him.”

True, Folds is offering a bit of prophetic truth for the Church to pay attention to. But sentiments like these are not a Scripturally-accurate picture of the fullness of Christ’s heart, because Jesus loves all people, regardless of what they have or don’t have. Part of Christ’s appeal in the eyes of the poor is that even though they may be overlooked by many in society, Jesus accepts them just as they are. But the same acceptance is true of the rich, as Christ’s love is not withheld from anyone. His life, death, and resurrection were on behalf of the whole world.

Now, I strongly believe that most Christians in the West (myself included) have way too much stuff, are way to focused on money, and are even likely to read the Bible through a lens that shows the Lord as a God who wants them to be comfortable and prosperous. I believe that the Biblical standard of giving is not 10% but instead is generosity (which would most likely lead us to give more than 10%), and part of being conformed to Christ is learning to live more simply and more open-handedly with all that we have been given. As we understand more deeply who Christ is and what He has given us, our loving response is to surrender all to His hands, whether it’s money or time or relationships.

But shaming the rich into doing this by saying that Jesus would rather hang out with the poor than them is not the way to go. Yes, I believe that Jesus would be hanging with the poor under bridges and in the soup kitchen lines. But I also believe He would be on the golf course, in the country club, at the symphony, because He desires that none should perish but all come to repentance, and He knows that those of us who are rich have a very dangerous temptation to put our hope in money rather than in God (even if we disguise it with religious language), and He desires that we not only know Him but that we depend on Him as our life.

Jesus loves the rich, too! Part 1

When you read Luke’s gospel, you can see his (Luke’s) passion for the poor and for justice, and those are often the parts of Jesus’ life and ministry that he emphasizes. I love that about Luke, and I love being able to clearly see that the Lord God is clearly concerned with justice and mercy. At the same time, I am thankful that there are four gospels to give us a well-rounded view of Christ, as we will see in the story of the rich young ruler.

The story goes like this: a rich young guy came to Jesus and asked Him how to get eternal life, and when it becomes apparent that this man has kept most of the 10 Commandments, Jesus tells him that he lacks one thing – he must sell his possessions, give them to the poor, and then follow Him. Both Mark and Luke tell us that the man was very sad at this because he had great wealth (and loved it). The choice between God and money is a tough one for him.

But Mark adds one detail that reveals the heart of the Lord for all people. Mark 10:21 says, “Jesus looked at him and loved him,” and then Jesus proceeds to tell him to sell his possessions and give to the poor. Reading Luke, you could jump on the anti-rich-guy bandwagon and say, “Yeah, you get him Jesus!” This would mistake what Jesus’ point is in dealing with this area of the man’s life. The point was not to make the man feel bad for being rich or to free up money for the poor. Rather, Mark reveals that Jesus loves this man and desires him to be truly free.

If there are things in our heart that precede God, we are not truly free and do not truly know the fullness of joy in Christ’s heart, and Jesus knows all too well that our possessions are one of our greatest sources of comfort and life. That’s why He teaches on money more than almost any other topic in Scripture. Jesus desires that He alone be our life and hope, not our stuff, and so He looks on us with love and calls us to be generous, to live radically with what we have, that we might have true treasure. It’s not a shaming indictment but rather a loving offer to live out of Jesus and to know the joy of being used by Him to bring dignity and equality and justice to all.

Media Blog 3: In My Ears

Like most folks, I’ve been listening to a lot of different music lately, but the things that are getting a lot of play in my headphones are:

Two songs from REM’s newest CD, Accelerate. This CD seems like vintage REM, which I have really missed, so I bought a couple of the songs, Supernatural Superserious and Living Well is the Best Revenge. I also bought a couple of older REM songs that I have been enjoying, too, The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight and Losing My Religion..

After watching Once, I bought my favorite songs off of the soundtrack.

And I recently bought the album Punch by Chris Thile’s band, The Punch Brothers. Thile is the mandolin player for Nickel Creek and this CD is great “newgrass”.

I’ve also been enjoying the song from Nike’s new ad campaign (My better is better than your better) – it’s called List of Demands by Saul Williams, and when I heard it on the commercial, I thought is sounded amazing. But interestingly, the song is about reparations and is kind of an angry call for action. That’s hard to pick up on during the 30-second Nike ad.

Best free songs from iTunes (like I would pay .99 for them) in recent months:
Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings; Time on Your Side by Emily Jane White; Mercy by Duffy. (In case you didn’t know, every Tuesday you can get two free songs each week at the iTunes store, and usually a free video or two as well. They are pretty regularly putting Latin music for free as well. I really look forward to Tuesdays!)

The worship songs that I’ve been playing most are: We Love You Jesus and Psalm 118 by Shane and Shane; Everything by Tim Hughes; Hosanna and To Know Your Name by Hillsong; From the Inside Out; Bhajo Naam by Aradhna; and Because of Who You Are by Martha Minuzzi.

Lastly I have been listening to a teaching series on Abiding in Christ by a man named Graham Cooke. In my mind’s eye he looks like Desmond from Lost (he sounds like him), and his teaching on the love of God and the life of God in the Believer has been amazing.

Also, if you have not had the chance to go on Pandora.com, please check it out - any kind of music available streaming over the internet. I love the Nickel Creek station.

A call to generosity

Gas prices are high - I know.
Food costs are through the roof - I know (our monthly food budget is close to gone and we just started May).
Times are tight and uncertain - I know.
But I am writing to urge us to be generous, especially my readers who are Christians. This is a time where we can play it safe, get conservative, cut back on giving to maintain our standard of living. Or we can be generous, give freely, and reveal the love of Christ in our giving.

100,000 people are estimated dead from the cyclone in Burma, with much of the country flooded. You can give right now through World Vision to provide relief.
People in your town and mine are experiencing the same price increases without the resources or cushion that many of us have.
Men and women are still hearing the call to the mission field, serving all over the world to make Christ known in many unique ways.

It's during times of trial, struggle, that we have an opportunity to declare that God is our provider and our source of life, not our job and not our stuff. I pray that at this time, the Church would be known as a place where people are generous with all that they have, reflecting the Macedonian church written about in 2 Corinthians 8:

2 Corinthians 8:2 Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. 3 For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, 4 they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints. 5 And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God's will. 6 So we urged Titus, since he had earlier made a beginning, to bring also to completion this act of grace on your part. 7 But just as you excel in everything--in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us--see that you also excel in this grace of giving.

2CO 8:8 I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. 9 For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

Thank you, Lord, for our tutors

Dear Tutors,

I am not sure that I can put into words the thankfulness that I feel when I think of you and all that you have given this year to the children in our program. My heart is full when I think of your time week after week, your patience, your love for these children. I watch the kids when their tutor shows up, when their tutor remembers to come back every week. They are reminded that they are special, that someone thinks of them, that they are not lost in the shuffle of life. I see the kids take delight in playing with you, in hugging you, and being praised by you for a job well done. I see the delight you take in them.

Is thank you enough to say? Without you, we could not have this program. You are the heart behind our academics and our discipline. You are the reason the children come week after week to do homework. You bring the kids. You take them home. Some of you have visited them at school or taken them out for a special meal or ice cream. Your presence here is gold, and a living example of love.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please know that your time each week was a valuable and precious investment. The Lord looks on our Mondays and Tuesdays and smiles, and we are trusting Him to multiply that investment in the hearts and lives of each child who comes. Look back on this year and know that God has used you to help shape a life. I really believe that. It’s not often that you can say a life is different because you gave an hour and a half of your time, but you can say that with this program. Thank you for giving.

I will close with some words from the Bible, which best capture my heart today.

PHILLIPIANS 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Much love and thankfulness,

Marshall Benbow

Media Post 2

Movies

Into the Wild – this movie is worth watching for the soundtrack and scenery alone, but the story is awesome to. It’s the story of Christopher McCandless, a college graduate who decides to leave his life of privilege and move to Alaska to live off the land. This movie has strong themes of identity and community and forgiveness. Emile Hirsch (who plays Speed Racer this summer) does an excellent acting job, portraying Christopher as a gentle and earnest young man trying to find his way.

Once – driven by the soundtrack, Once is a simple story of a street musician in Ireland and his rediscovery of his musical passion and focus. The music in this is amazing, and the storyline is very good, sweet, and has a bittersweet ending. One of our favorites.

Beyond the Gates – I think that this is a more powerful account of the Rwandan genocide than Hotel Rwanda. Set at a Catholic school right as the coup happens, this movie is sad, chilling, and makes you say again, “What in the world was I doing while all of this was going down?” Well acted, it is a powerful retelling of a true story.

The Tuskegee Airmen – the story of America’s first black military airmen, World War II fighter pilots from Tuskegee airforce base. It had an all-star cast (Lawrence Fishburn, Cuba Gooding Junior, Malcolm Jamaal Warner, John Lithgow), but I would say that the writing could have been better. The story is really hard to watch at points, but inspiring by the end.

Enchanted – OK, so enough with all the heavy stuff. As parents of two princesses in training, Diane and I really enjoyed Disney’s ability to laugh some at their own cottage industry of animated princesses. In this, an animated princess is banished to Manhattan by her evil stepmother, and the result is a very funny movie, thought it is too scary for Eliza to see yet.

Dan in Real Life – I still can’t get used to seeing Steve Carrell as anyone other than Michael Scott (unless it’s as Brick in Anchorman), but in this movie he does a pretty good job of seeming like an every day dad. The movie was funny, the plot certainly had some twists, and I thought that Dane Cook did a super acting job. I’m glad I saw it, but I probably wouldn’t care to own it.

Media update for those who might need some inspiration

Thought I might make a few posts about what I've been reading, watching, and listening to in case some of you are bored with your life in those categories (and taking the off chance that you might be impressed with me for something that I have read, because, really isn't that why we read anyway?), or in case you want to share with me things you've been enjoying. Before that, as a P.S. I wanted to say that Eliza ended up getting into the Spanish Immersion program at Jones School after all. We're very excited

Books
The Dirty Beggar Inside My Head, The Fingerless Lady Inside My Head, The Old Man Inside My Head - this is part of the Thoughts in My Head series by Don Everts (IV Press). Each book is very short (60 pages or so), and it’s an interesting way to do apologetics. Don writes about his ideas as though they were characters having a dialogue, and so when he writes about The Old Man, it is representative of the idea that Scripture is true, good, and worthy to be listened to in our lives. The Old Man gets mocked by ideas like Youthful Cynicism, and dialogues for the veracity of Scripture. These books are easy to read and appear to be a thoughtful way to engage a story-geared generation of students.

Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt – former horror write Anne Rice (Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat) has returned to the Church with a renewed faith in Jesus Christ, and she has begun writing a series of books written from the first-person of Jesus. This book begins with His family leaving Egypt and returning to Nazareth when Jesus was about 10 years old. A very engaging and easy read, this book does an excellent job of setting the political and religious turmoil that existed in a Roman-occupied and controlled Israel. It also helps you remember that Jesus was a Jew, practicing the Law and sacrifices commanded by God. Seeing those practices in a new light brings more appreciation for the Old Testament and her take on Jesus learning and understanding who He was is very interesting. She writes from the perspective that He didn’t understand from the start that He was God’s son, that He struggled to piece that truth together, and in time, His parents revealed all the things about His conception and birth. This book also really gives an idea of the kind of man and father that Joseph might have been, though Scripture is largely silent on his life. An excellent read, and her story of her return to faith and the historicity of Christianity at the end is worth picking the book up.

How to Worship Jesus Christ – Joseph S Carroll has a passion to see Christians return to that which is essential in relationship with Jesus, which is worshipping God for who He is and not for what He does for us. This small book is a powerful and practical call to do just that. “How to” is not entirely accurate, because this is more a motivational book than instructional. This book really encouraged me to spend regular (almost daily) time simply worshipping God for who He is, worshipping and praising Him, and it has been really interesting to see the correlation between worship and dependence – to worship God is to be submitted to Him and His control, which requires dependence and abiding, things I have been learning about for some time now.

Wicked by Gregory Maguire – What if the Wicked Witch of the West wasn’t so bad after all, a political revolutionary? What if her desire for Dorothy’s ruby slippers was that she might keep the shoes from the Wizard, who was trying to rule Oz with an iron fist? What if she merely had the misfortune of being born green, yet managed to have friend and even room with Glinda the good witch at boarding school? What if all she wanted was forgiveness? Gregory Maguire’s very interesting take on the land of Oz makes for a fun read with some interesting commentary on politics, religion, and not judging books by their cover. A really good read.

Currently reading: Francis of Assisi: A Revolutionary Life by Adrian House

What's your name?

In my talk at Virginia Tech, I told students that just as God renamed Jacob, from Grabber (his name means "he grabs the heel") to God-Grabber ("he who wrestles with God"), He also wants to rename us. God gives us general names that are true for all Christians (Accepted, Beloved, Free, Son) and also, I believe, a specific name just for us. My name is Chosen (changed from Shame), and Diane has been given the name Fearless. Another friend of mine has been given the name Peace in place of the name Unwanted. So I wondered if any of you faithful readers might want to share if God has given you a new name as a reminder of His work in your life?

A holy moment

There are times with the Lord that I wish I could just bottle, times where heaven seemed at my fingertips. Last Friday at Virginia Tech was one of those times. I had the chance to speak at a join meeting between their IV chapter and a Korean Christian Fellowship, and also speaking was a YWAM missionary stationed in South Africa named Rich Hodges. I'd been asked to speak on identity in Christ, and the Lord laid on my heart to share Jacob's story from Genesis and talk about how God wanted to rename each one of us, setting us free from old names that we had embraced. Our identity is found in Christ alone, and He is renaming us as His new creations, replacing words like Shame, Liar, and Lustful with Holy, Accepted, and Truthful.

The Lord led Rich to scrap his original message and continue on the theme of identity, urging students to embrace their identity in Jesus as priests of God.
1 Peter 2:9-10 (The Message) - But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

And I believe that this word on identity was just what those students (and I) needed, because what followed was a time of worship unlike any other I have been a part of. Not because it was loud or crazy, but because there was a freedom and a love for Christ in the room that was unreal. I marveled at God's goodness to me in the gospel, and also how He could put a 32-year-old guy from Greensboro and a 51-year-old guy from South Africa, who had never met before, and put our messages together cohesively to exhort and encourage college students in Virginia. I had an amazing time pouring out my heart to the Lord, and it was a small taste of heaven. I can understand how David could say, "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere." That's just how good the Lord God is.

Hi, my name is Marshall, and I am a recovering Israelite

I've been reading through the Old Testament (am in Deuteronomy right now) and have really enjoyed watching God work to call and save the Israelites as His people, preparing the way for the nations to know Him. But, like most people who read the Israelites' story, I get a bit frustrated with them when they go off course. God makes some unbelievable promises to them, (things like they will always have abundance, they will always be healthy, their children will be healthy and happy, they won't have to fear any other nation), and their only job is to listen to His words and obey His laws. And really, as I have read the laws thus far, they don't seem that complicated to me. Sure, there are some sacrifices and feasts that can be sort of tricky, but the priests were there to help you navigate them. Jesus summed up all of the laws as love God and love your neighbor. And the Lord tells them that He loves them, that the laws are for their good, and that they are His treasured possession. Their response? Worship and thanks for a short period of time, and then, inevitably, they begin to do things their way. God's way isn't fast enough or good enough or certain enough, so they rely on their own intuition and logic and generally make a big mess of things.

Well, it's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback and pick apart the Israelites, but when it all comes down to it, my heart is not far from theirs at times. Take my whining yesterday about the whole magnet school thing. Because I did not get what I wanted when I wanted it, I immediately thought that God was a) against me b) didn't like me c) wasn't taking good care of me and my family d) insert favorite lie here. And so I decided to be angry.

But the Lord has given me every good thing in Christ. I have provision upon provision, from spiritual provision in Christ (His very life and adoption to Sonship) to provision of wonderful family and friends. My family and I have all that we need and most of what we want materially (not sure that having so many wants is a good thing, but that's for another post), and my children are happy, healthy, and loving kids. I get to go to work every day with people that I love at a job that I enjoy, and I come home to a loving wife and a wonderful house. Surely my God has been good to me in all things, yet like the Israelites, I want my own way.

The way out of this? It's to remember. Remember who I am in Christ. Remember who God is and what He says to me about His love. Remember that in all things God is working to reveal Christ in me and to show others His love. Remember that God is God, and I am not. Time again in the Old Testament, God calls His people to remember, and when they do, they have a right response of worship and obedience. That is what I want, day by day.

Dealing with disappointment

Today we found out that Eliza did not get into the Spanish immersion magnet school that we had applied for, while her best friend did get in. In the grand scheme of life, this is not a big deal, but to us it had become very important and something we really desired.

I know that we are not promised that life would ever be fair, but this has been a really frustrating thing for me today. I think that in my heart I believe that God "owes" us this (and other things, probably) because of what we do for Him. I make mental lists of the things that we do for the Lord, the ways that Diane and I serve Him and sacrifice to make Him known, and I guess that deep down there are places in my heart that feel like the least He could do for us is (insert thing you want here).

I want to be justified in my anger, to say, "It's not fair. Can't we just catch a break here? We don't ask for much. Why does Eliza's friend get in and we don't?" The lie comes, "Does God like that other family better?" I wonder if God is just trying to teach us the lesson that our obedience doesn't guarantee blessing, correcting us for subtly getting off track?

I wasn't convinced that I wanted Eliza to go to this school when the process began, thinking that she should go to the school that we are districted for, since those are the families we moved here to reach out to, and I gave a very spiritual answer when asked about it. "We'll just apply for it and if she gets it, then that is good and if she doesn't, we trust that the Lord wants her to go to Peck." But that was before I really wanted her to get in and learn Spanish. It's one thing to sound spiritual when your heart isn't in it. It's another when He doesn't give you something that you want.

And so I know that in this moment I feel whiny and jealous, definitely not a faithful or Spirit-led response. But I also know that the Lord is patient with me, and that He gives me some time to be disappointed, and also gently calls me by His Spirit to remember what is true, to trust Him with my children, and to believe that He really does love me and my family as much as anyone else.

And this news, while disappointing, is a part of that love for us. We trust God, that His heart towards us is good and loving and that His plans for our family far surpass and exceed those that we could ever dream. And yes, I think that He is using this small thing to remind me and my family of a bigger picture, and to remind us that our obedience does not come so that He gives us something, but rather because He has given us everything already in Christ. No matter how I feel, that is the truth.

Dang

Well, this season has ended just like most basketball seasons do, with my team not cutting down the nets at the end. For the first time in 24 years, I will not be able to have my end-of-season ritual of shooting baskets in the dark, as Diane is out of town on a women's retreat with our church. I really wish that I could get some of this taste out of my mouth by shooting ball in the rain, but maybe I will commandeer Jacob's nerf hoop before bed.

Watching the Heels be down by 28 points was like watching a team I have never seen. Watching them come back to within 4 points was amazing. And I honestly believe we were about an inch from winning the game, as Danny Green's 3-pointer went in and out with the Heels down 58-53. If that goes, it's a two-point game and I think Kansas folds. They showed a replay, and Roy Williams says, "If that three goes, it would have been a lot of fun." It didn't go, and the Heels momentum and legs gave out. While I am glad to not have been embarrassed as badly as it looked like it was going to be, losing still puts me in a funk. So, let's remember that a 36-3 season is nowhere close to failure, and along the way we saw:
Tyler Hansbrough win virtually every National Player of the Year Award.
A 16-point comeback against Clemson at home.
An amazing buzzer-beater at Clemson.
Beating Dook for the third straight year in Cameron.
Winning the ACC regular season and tournament titles.
Tying UCLA for a record 17 Final Four appearances.
36 wins.
This has been the year that my kids got into the Heels, and games became events around the house, with Psalter and Eliza sitting beside me on the couch yelling, "De-fense! De-fense!" and "Tar!" "Heels!" "Tar!" "Heels!" And Jacob saying "Dot-heels."

And now it's 8 long months until we get to do it again. I hate the wait until October. My one comfort right now is that maybe Tyler will not want to leave Caroline with this terrible taste in his mouth.

And I now officially hate Final Fours in San Antonio (see UNC, 1998)

Allow me just a moment...

Most of my blog posts are about things other than basketball, but if I may take a moment to A) celebrate the Tar Heels reaching a record-setting 17th Final Four, and B) address a couple issues regarding Tyler Hansbrough.

In this week's Sports Illustrated, a reader wrote in and said, "I find it hard to believe that you would give player of the year honors to "Psycho-T", a one-dimensional role player who can't dribble, stroke the three or mid-range jumper and is not a deft passer. He is definitely top 10, but his supporting cast has more to do with Carolina's record than Hansbrough. Swap him for Kansas State's Michael Beasley and arguably UNC goes perfect, while KSU's record flattens further." Now, clearly this reader does not get to watch many/any Carolina games in his hometown of St. Louis, and I am sort of glad this letter was posted, because it reveals the man as an idiot when it comes to college basketball. Last night, when Tyler's "supporting cast" faltered, he stroked two mid-range jumpers with clock winding down, scored 20 second-half points, and carried UNC to the Final Four. But to hear Jay Bilas describe the performance (where did Jay go to school, by the way? I forget), Tyler is lucky to have hit any of his shots outside of three feet. He "willed the ball" into the basket - what does that even mean? How do you "will" a ball in from 18 feet out?

We get it, people. We know that Tyler "never takes a play off", that "his will exceeds his skill", that Beasley will be the number one pick in the draft and Tyler would be late first round at best. But without Tyler, there is no Final Four for the Heels. And 36-2 is pretty close to perfect (with one loss being to Duke in our first game without Ty Lawson). There is no way Tyler Hansbrough is not the consensus national COLLEGE PLAYER of the year. Maybe not consensus best player or pro prospect, but combining value with skill, there is no contest. Put Hansbrough on K-state and I believe that they would be a better team. Put Beasley in Tyler's place at UNC and I believe we would already be out of the tournament. Raw talent alone does not make a player great.

And now, rant complete, I will enjoy a week anticipating an awesome Final Four, with four great teams, and hope that the Heels finish 38-2, winning the title and setting the NCAA record for most victories in a season. This has been a special team.

An Evening in the Park, Part 2

Between arriving home from the park and sitting down to dinner, I had to take a prescription to a friend’s house, and as I went to my car, I noticed a man sitting on the steps across the street. Normally I am too busy, to hurried to stop and say hello, but I think my heart had been softened by my trip to the park, and so instead of a simple hello, I also commented on his shirt (it looked like a Tar Heels shirt from afar). We talked for a minute across the street, and then I knew I needed to walk across, to extend relationship across the concrete boundary. I introduced myself as his neighbor, and we talked for a minute, as he expressed a desire to get back to church, to get back on track with the Lord (and this before I had told him what I did for a living). While I still had a question about his sincerity, he and I at least now knew each other’s names and had the beginning of relationship. A small step, but a hopeful one.

I lay in bed that night thinking about the dealers on the corner, wondering how to reach them, how to help them find a new way of life, and the first step is simply going to be relationship. Their knowing my name, my knowing theirs. They are people, not drug dealers. They are young men who need hope and direction, who have families and friends and at one point were simply little kids playing basketball and sliding down the slide at the park.

Ultimately, ugliness doesn’t win in my heart or in my neighborhood. In time, the hope of Christ beats back the reality of what I see around me, and I know with all my heart that with Him, all things are possible.

And time and again I am reminded by the necessity of relationship to bring the hope of Christ to bear in places of darkness and defeat. For me to have the hope of Jesus and not share it sort of transforms it into non-hope. I believe that hope should be lived, acted on, not squirreled away for comfort on a bad day. If Jesus ultimately is the answer to the ugliness in and around us all, then acting on that is one way that we unleash that hope into the world. Pray for me to have courage to simply learn the names of the guys on the block, hopeful for the power of Christ to bring transformation.

An Evening in the Park, Part 1

Diane and the kids and I took advantage of a recent “no tutoring” week and went to our neighborhood park one evening. Eliza and Psalter split time on their new tricycle (consignment sales are wonderful!), with me guiding them via a long handle attached to the back, and Diane pulled the others in our wagon. A very Norman Rockwell-esque picture indeed. To get to the park we had to pass several drug dealers, certainly not a part of Rockwell’s repertoire, and upon arrival, I took Jacob up to the basketball court to watch some of the pickup ball. He already really loves basketball on TV and loves the Nerf hoop on his door, and to see basketball live was really exciting for him. A couple of the boys playing come to our tutoring program, but being middle school-ers, they could barely bring themselves to acknowledge me. All of the boys playing were black, except for one short, pudgy white kid with glasses, and I knew that when the game began, he was not going to be invited to play. He seemed to know it to, and seemed resigned to his position as a person on the fringe. My heart went out to him, because in this neighborhood, I imagine he doesn’t fit in a good bit of the time at the park, and every kid needs and wants friends.

Walking back to the swingsets, Diane and the girls had befriended three small children playing there; the oldest seemed to be about 4, and the others looked to be about 3 and 2. There was not a parent or an adult or even an older sibling within 50 yards of them – the only person I could find in their general vicinity who might have been in charge was someone sitting in a car on the street. They gravitated towards Diane as she played with them, swung them on the swings, and helped them on the monkey bars. Eliza and the older girl had races to the picnic table and back and swung together on the swings. Life is so simple sometimes for little children, common ground so easy to find.

As I put Jacob in one of the baby swings, I noticed a curse word written on it in black marker, and as I began to swing him, I noticed many more things written on the green metal swing set. I looked around and there were more messages and words written on the slide, on the climbing wall, on the monkey bars. Hurtful, destructive words, yet void of any creativity or purpose. The same phrases written over and over, probably having no idea what they meant. Calling out particular girls, uplifting the Southside (whatever that is, because I don’t think Glenwood is the Southside of Greensboro), a small tribute to the Crips (a “C” with an upward arrow beside it and a “B” with a downward arrow) – not enough to be gang tags, but just enough to show how kids in Glenwood long to belong and to have street cred.

And I wanted to cry. I was angry that people would write all over our beautiful new playground equipment (less than a year old), and write such hurtful things, things that I wouldn’t want my children to read. I was angry at the disrespect for property, for people, for themselves. I felt hopelessness begin to settle on me like a blanket – how do you get permanent marker off of plastic, and even if you did, wouldn’t they just write again? I didn’t want to be at the park anymore. I wasn’t afraid. I just wondered what could be done.

The contrasts of beauty and relationship (my family playing together and welcoming the children there; a lone daffodil growing beside a trash-littered creek; my love for the guys playing basketball) with ugliness and brokenness (a kid left out because he didn’t fit the mold; defeating words grafittied on the equipment; young men with no better options than selling drugs and hanging on a street corner; children longing to be parented) were striking and in that moment, ugliness overwhelmed the beauty.

The Presence of Peaceful People

I recently spent a day away at a Franciscan retreat center in Stoneville, NC. One of the perks of being a vocational minister is that you are allowed regular times of solitude and prayer as part of your work (though it saddens me to see how rarely colleagues and I take advantage of that privilege and how often we miss the importance of these recharging times). To take a day away is like plugging my soul into a spiritual generator, as I have time away from people, email, and the phone. But I can also be fooled into thinking that the only and best way for me to rest is in being by myself.

St. Francis Springs is a large center with hotel-style rooms, a large dining room, sitting room, library and chapel, and acres of woods to walk in, and surprisingly I had the place to myself, except for two of their staff and one volunteer. After a morning of prayer and Scripture study, spending time on a rock in the middle of a creek and walking in the woods, I was treated to a nice lunch with the staff, and I couldn’t help but find rest in being with them.

Do you know people who are just at deep rest with Christ, who exude His peace and love and calm? It’s a joy to be in their presence because that peace sort of drifts over to you. There are different ways that I have reacted to that peace in others – one time I met with a pastor whose soul-rest so contrasted the frazzled and dry state of my soul that I went back to my office and wept. Other times I have tried to emulate the rest and peace of others, tried to figure out how they got and what I needed to do to get there. But the best way I’ve found is to simply receive it and enjoy it as a gift. Rest is a gift from the Lord, a command with a loving purpose (which, actually, is true of all His commands), and the presence of peaceful people can usher us into a place of rest in the midst of community. I love to be around people like that, and I long to be one of them for others.

Yeah, about all those posts on margin....

Who was that guy who wrote so much about margin last fall? Where has he gone? I feel so marginless right now, and I miss the pleasant pace of life that we had in October, November, and December. I feel like my work and family responsibilities are dragging me and dictating my days, and I am going non-stop from 7 am until 8 or 9 pm. Maybe that is “normal” for most people, but it’s not the kind of normal that I want to get used to. I want rhythm and space, moments to think and to breathe, and the only rhythm I am playing to at this point is the rhythm of the immediate, the right now.

I think that this marginless way of life is part of why I was short and impatient with “Bob” (see previous post). Having run all day, filled up to the very limits, I had no reserve left, and so Bob’s phone call during date night made me just overflow. I had only frustration to give, nothing left in the tank.

Margin never increases on its own; it will always be encroached upon by need and busyness, and need and busyness will always feel good and important and even noble. But they can easily be idols, things to be worshiped instead of God, ways to feel significant apart from the love of Christ. Margin, saying no, reminds us that we are not our own, that we have no life in ourselves apart from Jesus.

Date night interrupted

Thursday night Diane and I had a date night. The pace of life and work has been so great that I was convicted of the need to carve out time for just us, once a week, every week. We’ve had some great friends step forward to give us free childcare, and so we were out on our own, enjoying some Qdoba. My phone rang three times with an unidentified number, and finally I answered it. It was a man that I had been working with for about 3 weeks through the church. He is homeless, but had obtained a great job and we had been helping him with cab fare to work, getting tools for his job, and bus passes. It had taken a lot of my time (even outside normal work hours) and a good bit of money from the church, but to get him working and to the point where he could eventually move out of the shelter and sustain himself was worth it.

I had forgotten that he had asked me to hold his money from his first paycheck, because he was afraid it would get stolen from him, and so he was calling me that evening to give me his money. But I was on a date with my wife. True, we were through eating. I could have driven to where he was to get the money. But I was on a date with my wife, and she needed to know that she does not always come second to ministry. I felt bad that I had forgotten that he was going to call, and I was anxious for Diane to know that she was a priority, so I was little short with him, telling him that I would call him later. I tried two times last night, to no avail, and I have not heard from him today. I called the shelter and he moved out this morning. I called the guy who was driving him around yesterday, and he told me that “Bob” had asked him yesterday to take him to get some drugs, but that he hadn’t obliged. Bob had not told me that he had a drug addiction history.

And so tonight, I wrestle with whether I did the right thing. I know that it’s right to prioritize Diane, for her to know that she is number one. But it’s tempting to take responsibility for his choices, whatever those may be right now. It’s tempting to expect the worst and to think that I could have ‘saved” him. It’s tempting to think that I have failed because I wasn’t ready to help at a moment’s notice. I can still hear him asking, “What do you want me to do?”

I think that there is a way of the Spirit, a way that allows me to honor Diane while still letting Bob know that I hear him and am willing to help him once my time with my wife is through. I am not sure my heart was in that place, but, as always, my hope and Bob’s hope is the Lord alone. There is a Savior, His name is not Marshall. Thank goodness.