Thursday, April 16, 2009

The gift of not being able

The past few weeks have been a stretch for my body and soul to say the least. As our women's shelter at Grace came to a close, the urgency to find housing for our women became greater, and it weighed tremendously on my heart and mind. Late nights at the shelter seemed to be followed by early morning meetings. At the same time, it seemed that the situations in and around our church became more desperate. In addition, I had the chance to preach at our church, which was so much fun, yet exhausting as well. And, on a lighter note, March Madness robbed precious hours of sleep as my Tar Heels moved through the field.

And so I found myself at work last Thursday just D-O-N-E. I took Diane out to dinner that night, but I had very little to offer her in our conversation. The next day was my day off, and after I took Psalter to pre-school I came home and went back to bed for two hours. That night I was in bed again by 9:30. I wondered a bit if I was depressed, but ultimately I didn't think that was it, because I didn't feel down, just tired. So I continued to be disciplined in going to bed early, and on Sunday I also took a 2 hour nap (I only nap if I am completely wiped out). And this morning, after my fourth consecutive night of 8-hours of sleep, plus two naps, I began to feel something that I had not felt in weeks – energy. I felt excited to be awake and excited to go about my day, and I felt like a different person all day long.

I really wish that I could do more, be more productive, help more people, be a better friend. I wish I was one of those people who could get by on 4 or 5 hours of sleep, that I could just go and go and go. But God has, in His wisdom, given me the gift of not being able. There is a certain point where I am unable to do much at all – whether that is relate to people (or the Lord), work, think, be productive because I am just too tired and life is too out of focus. And this forces me to stop. To sleep. To leave my laptop at work and leave messages unanswered.

The end result is that I remember that I am not what I do, I am not what I can accomplish. I am limited in my ability to put my identity in my performance. I am what He is in me, and I am loved.

2 comments:

Jen said...

Thanks sooo much for this post! I'm learning I can't be a go-go anymore and i'm trying to find peace with letting that be ok. i see it as a gift so that my perfecitonism, fix-it mentality and performance=idenity will die off. It's a battle, so I'm glad to see i'm not alone.

Macon said...

One day, in our old age, we'll get by on 4 to 5 hrs of sleep. But now, in our prime, we need more.

Strange.

Maybe it works that way because what takes us 12 hours to do now will take us 18 hours when we're old?

:-)