What keeps me deaf?

If hearing God involves stillness, silence, and listening, my life normally affords little opportunity for me to hear from Him. I recently spent a day in prayer and quiet, trying to figure out why my soul was in such disrepair. Why was I so busy, tired, and angry, overwhelmed with good things to do?

And I came up with this list of “Things That Drive Me to be Busy”:

I am significant because of what I do

I am a failure because I do not get each choice and decision "right" each day

I am necessary in God's Kingdom

God withholds His love from me based on my behavior

"No" said to me is rejection. "No" may make you like me less if I say it to you.

There is no plan B after me. It's all up to me.

I must win, I must be right.

If I don't do what you want/expect me to do, I have let you down.

Others' love for me is tenuous and uncertain.

If I didn't do so much, I would not be as loved/valuable.

I must get it right, no matter what "it" is.

Identity = Performance

I want to be included, significant, and I will attend/go just so I get invited next time.

As you can see, this list is a pretty good recipe for doing good things and living a life pleasing others. It also looks like a life that would be pleasing to God. But for me it is a recipe for soul disaster.

A life motivated by other’s opinions and expectations, motivated by fear, is not really life at all.

I’m not sure what drives you. Your issue might be apathy or it might be living a life that just pleases you, not caring what God thinks. Either way, I bet you’ve got a list that drives you. And in time, by God’s grace, that list will be insufficient to keep your head above water.